changing

I've been delinquent. There's been a lot going on... not physical activities, but inner workings. Much of it has been deeply personal, and that often doesn't leave much energy or emotion for the writing process.

It's snowing now, and I love it. It helps me find that place of reflection. The biggest, fattest flakes are my favourite. So peaceful, reminding to think on things that are good and blessed. Somehow it assures me that will turn out alright in the end. That despite the difficulties, the world is a beautiful place.

My counsellor told me he sees my character changing, and he doesn't see that in his office very often. These days I've been looking up words I always thought I knew and have surprised myself with what I don't know.... fulfil, spunky, and now, character. He described seeing a toughness and strength in me that wasn't there 6 months ago. That I can now answer his questions by writing my own script, rather than searching for what I think is the “right” answer.

But I don't feel much different. I still feel nervous and uncertain. I am unsure of what to do next. But the feeling of being a scared little girl is slowly diminishing, I suppose. Not as frequent, not as strong. I can easily recognize it when it comes around, simply because it has become so familiar to me.

And I watch the snow fall. Contemplative. It's gentleness soothes and excites.

This year has truly been a year of healing – in ways I never could have imagined! It's been good, but it's been hard. I don't think I've ever been so happy to see a year end and, at the same time, that very thought brings a choke in my throat that catches me off guard.

I wonder about the coming year. The anxiety I feel is different now, less generalized. I fear that the changes I've made won't keep. That I will slip into old ways, patterns and emotions.

I think I've found a courage this year that I didn't know I had... or maybe I've developed a courage that wasn't there before. Either way, now is the time to acknowledge the changes I've made. To consciously determine to change how I view myself.

It's been tough, but I don't doubt that I am somehow better equipped for the road that lies ahead. I think I am better equipped to help a child dealing with anxiety, to help them put words to their feelings. I have a much stronger understanding for finding ways to express the emotions that can be so big and overwhelming in their young lives, and the importance of doing so.  

local gardening wrap-up

As you may recall, I've was busy with a plot at my community garden this summer.  Sharon, at Feast and Fare asked me to write a couple guest posts for her about the experience.  Here's my wrap-up post, detailing what worked, what didn't work, and what we ate.

Other than that, I've had a busy month working on re-gaining the strength and endurance I lost in the earlier part of this year. I'll update with more details soon.

gettin' back in the swing of things

When I started my year with the plan to focus on healing, I had no idea what lay down the road. I am utterly shocked at just how mentally- and emotionally-draining chronic physical pain proved to be.

It took our Canadian medical system just over 9 months to diagnose that I had been suffering from kidney stone pain. 9 months.

They did the tests and the results were negative. I asked for an ultrasound, just to be sure. I asked for an ultrasound 3 times, 2 different doctors, and each time I was told it wasn't necessary since my kidneys were fine. But logically, it didn't seem like the pain could be anything else. I had read so many sites re: back & abdominal pain, and nothing else fit.

If there is one immensely valuable lesson I've learned through this, it's the importance of knowing your family history.  I don't typically ask you folks to do anything; I'm usually content to simply share my stories, but I do need to ask you to do this: please talk to your parents and sibling about any diagnoses they've had and any medical conditions they've been treated for.

The ball finally started rolling when I was able to tell my family doctor that there were at least 5 cases of kidney stones in my family, and every single one of them had negative tests, but a positive ultrasound.  In all those cases, the stones were large enough that surgical procedures were required.

Later that same week, I had an ultrasound scheduled.  If you're familiar with the medical system here, you'll know what an impressive feat that is!  Usually ultrasounds are scheduled 4-5 weeks out. A week after, that I had a urologist appointment.  Another impressive feat since he was booking appointments 8+ weeks out. And just 1 week later, I was getting the treatment I needed!! I am finally feeling so much better!

The pain from kidney stones is comparable to that of child-birth, or so I'm told.  I've never had kids, but I can totally believe it. It wasn't so bad at first, but over the course of several months it escalated to the point of being unbearable.  For the last few months it was daunting to just keep get up in the morning, let alone manage a job, family commitments, church, and relaxation activities. Many of those things suffered, including any interest in posting here. I apologize for my absence, but at the same time, I'm trying to give myself grace for doing what I needed to do most in those moments. There wasn't an ounce of creativity in sight. Most days I was honestly too tired to read a book.

I'm slowly on the mend.  I can walk around the block again.  And empty a dishwasher.  (I never thought I'd be so happy about that one!)  I can go shopping again!  And I'm feeling creative again, so you'll be seeing a lot more updates around here.

Photo credit: My Superman

We're celebrating Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend - one of my favourite holidays - and since I'm in the middle of baking a pie, I thought it would be fun to create a bakers' dozen list of what I am most thankful for. (Please note: These are in no particular order... other than whatever order they tumble out of my head.)

1. My Superman - I already thought he was pretty spectacular, but these past several months he's gone way above and beyond to help me feel loved and comfortable... pretty much to the point of being at my beck and call: doing many extra chores, making us healthy dinners, refilling my water bottle, and spending time with me whenever I felt lonely. Maybe I should start calling him Super-Duper-Man?
2. My family - I almost don't know where to begin.  My mom has helped so much when superman needed to be away. She also provided the critical family medical info I needed. It was great to see my parents while they were here on a 2-week visit from Ontario. My sister and her husband were so willing to help get me to the surgery centre in a pinch, and they provided so much encouragement and info re: kidney stones... the list goes on.
3. God - I love that it's okay to question, to vent frustrations... I love even more that He's right there with you in the thick of it. Sometimes it may seem that he's distant, but I've really been learning the value of solitude and silence as a spiritual discipline. Sometime you have to work hard to hear Him. The best part is the gifts of encouragement when they're needed to most.
4. Friends - We've had so many friends who have stopped by for visits and even stayed the weekend. I am so thankful for social that came to me, when I didn't have the energy to go out for it.
5. Our dog - He's had a rough go of it lately too, and just had some stitches removed today.  It's great to watch him play, but I've also cherished the many hours he snuggled beside me while I was resting in bed.
6. My new family doctor - This story really deserves a post on it's own.  This is the first time I've had a real family doctor in my entire adult life. A true gift from God. The day we were signed up as his patients, I literally cried from happiness and disbelief. He's a good man who listens to you concerns, rather than read our files we're talking. It's a very good thing.
7. Free medical care - The wait times are ridiculous and I had so many other stupid frustrations to deal with, but I'm still glad it's free.  When I had to reduce hours at work, I'm glad I didn't need to deal with the stress of medical bills arriving in the mail.  And for all it's problems, there are a few really great doctors in the bunch.  For example, one walk-in clinic doctor is still calling periodically to make sure I'm getting the treatment I need.
8. Our home, and especially our comfy new sofa - It's a little too small to welcome kids here, but I really love our home.  It's so comfy and cozy.  And I have spend a lot of time on the sofa these past few months, and I'm so glad we have one that is comfy to lie down on while watching tv.
9. Really good food -  This is the one hobby that remained alive these past few months... we ate well, both at home and in restaurants. Now we're moving to a more wholesome diet, and I'm actually really excited. I might even try gluten-free. Might.
10. Facebook & Pinterest - I heard that snicker! I'm serious here. FB has kept me in touch with so many great friends, and helped me become even closer to others. Pinterest provided hours of pinning pleasure, helping me dream of things to do when I was feeling better enough to do them.  I have so many new things to try!
11. Bright days ahead - I have plans!  I can do things!  I have projects and ideas that I can actually carry out! It's all so good.
12. A summer that's stuck around a little longer than usual - Today was sunny with a high of 23C.  No joke. And since I didn't have the energy to be out and about, I'm glad I can catch up on some sunshine now.  In a couple weeks, I'll even start running again. Of course, by then I'll likely need a rain jacket.
13. Our adoption - Things have been really quiet on the adoption front since we finished up the training sessions. It was so important for me to just focus on getting better, and working through a home study seemed like too much mental involvement at the time. I'm still excited, and frequently think of who our kids might be... knowing they are out there already and praying God will keep them safe from harm. I also know that we do not need to rush; it's more important to make sure we are ready and prepared.

So what are you thankful for this weekend?